“In the moment, or running from it?”
I often think about this. These moments we have in life. I mean I played this very moment in my head—- thinking of Shell’s reaction and what she was gonna do.. and I knew without a doubt it would be worth having and sharing this moment. And I didn’t wanna miss this one…There are moments we are proud of and just as important moments that we are not proud of. But they’re moments nonetheless. And they shape us. Moments we shared that I thought may have been our last. Moments where we laughed, maybe at the most inopportune time. And moments that will sit w me forever.
.. there is no way I regret having any of those moments with you. I wouldn’t change them. That’s the truth.
….. I remember one moment in particular. I was in Montana by myself. Riding my motorcycle. Received a call that well… the place where you were at in LA isn’t a good fit, and I need to come to get ya ASAP. So, I shipped my bike n took the next plane to LA and there you were. In the House, bags packed, sitting in a corner of the living room. Swing #4…We hugged. You emphatically apologized thru your tears. Claiming you let me down. And I remember asking if it was something that triggered it this time or someone or if I was enabling or what it was…and you sat there. For what felt like forever, In tears.. Finally, you looked up to me and said A-matter-of- factly. (BEAT)….” being sober is so fucking boring”:) And I just sat there. Speechless. Do I take this personal?! Am I boring? I don’t think I’m boring:/ Shit maybe she’s right?!
But we laughed. And it was a brother sitting across from his sister, unconditionally. With no answers. Nowhere to turn. But that moment —-it was real. And I knew that was rare for you, to be in the moment.
See I’m convinced that you were an expert at the time at not allowing yourself to be in the moment. If it was love… well… you simply didn’t deserve it. If it was friendship, well, you didn’t deserve that either. If it was guidance it was “what’s the catch”……If it was pain, well THAT you feel ya deserved, but the catch was it was simply never enough. So the stakes get higher. The pain is deeper. The sadness is more profound. The void is greater…..And all the above waiting in anticipation to be numbed over. Again N again.
When I think about you n the journey you’re on now. And the past 2 years… I often smile…at the growth n strength n courage you’ve shown n continue to show. I’m so damn proud. I wonder if you’re sad. Or anxious —actually I know the answer to the anxious part:) or happy. I wonder if you’re going thru heartbreak, listening to some song FEELING as if it was written for you only, or playing hard to get with a cute guy in class…I WONDER if you’re madly in love or inspired by someone or something … all of these make me smile.
So if I can take you back to that moment. To that statement that will forever be engrained in me… ‘being sober is so Effin boring’ The answer is no Shells, you’re living proof that it’s not. You prove that every day. Every moment you create and allow and embrace, you see you’ve never been more alive, More in the moment.
I’ll forever hold those moments we had bc they taught me so much as well, but I cannot wait to have so many more moments with you. Whatever they are. I’ll be there.
I love ya.
PS: “I wanna thank The Westie House for all their support, encouragement they have and continue to show through their actions”